A little Adult Humor » Page 5 » QUADCRAZY ATV Community Forum

mywifeknowseverythin · 03-08-2008, 08:14 AM

http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf

mywifeknowseverythin · 03-08-2008, 08:15 AM

EASTER HAS BEEN CANCELLED!!!!!!!!!!

mywifeknowseverythin · 03-08-2008, 08:16 AM

How well do you know your boobies! Take the test
http://www.playboy.com/sex/features/...est4/quiz.htmx

mywifeknowseverythin · 03-08-2008, 08:17 AM

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when
you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the
face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway
you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun
in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand
your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of
everyone

And last but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

mywifeknowseverythin · 03-08-2008, 08:18 AM

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker...

It's not talcum powder......

It's 'Miracle Grow'."

mywifeknowseverythin · 03-08-2008, 08:19 AM

Subject: Texas Chili Contest

A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without
laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
This is a scream!

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
The first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
City park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
Chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy S#@$, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
Flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
What I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who Wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get Me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
S#@$-faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
Unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
And I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I S#@$ on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am Worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili?

mywifeknowseverythin · 03-08-2008, 08:20 AM

A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles West of Brokeback Mountain,and,
after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the hell," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your 'willy'?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your 'willy'. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies." The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "'Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like a Rock!'And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my 'willy' is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN.

mywifeknowseverythin · 03-08-2008, 08:21 AM

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and
sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he
goes to learn more -
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy
behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is:
The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully
wash their genital regions You then apply shaving foam and gently
shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're
ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles fom here."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

mywifeknowseverythin · 03-08-2008, 08:23 AM

New Page 3

wheeler0801 · 03-08-2008, 09:20 AM

ok. so someone has a little too much time on their hands......

:shoc k2: