A little Adult Humor

*fox300exchic* · 06-12-2008, 01:13 PM

THE CREMATED HUSBAND

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and
brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn he was in, she poured him
out onto the patio table.

Then tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with
the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes the said.
'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, l also bought it
with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
the ashes she said. 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought
it too, with the insurance money!' Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she
said. 'Herman, remember that blow job l promised you?' 'Here it comes.....

*Stoopidbot1* · 06-14-2008, 09:53 AM

Proof men have better friends.

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends,
Eight of whom confirmed that he had slept over, and
two said that he was still there.

*mywifeknowseverythin* · 07-03-2008, 09:13 AM

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

*mywifeknowseverythin* · 07-03-2008, 09:13 AM

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".

*mywifeknowseverythin* · 07-03-2008, 09:14 AM

BEER NEWS

This is Damn serious stuff....beer contains female hormones!

Last month MSU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that
revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a
concerned look at their beer comsumption. The theory is beer contains
female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens); therefore, by drinking
enough beer, men can turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men each

drank 6 pack of beer within a one hour period. It was then observed
that 100% of the tests subjects:
1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down to urinate.
No further testing was considered necessary.

*mywifeknowseverythin* · 07-03-2008, 09:14 AM

Nursing Home...

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the fin al corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,

'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!'

*mywifeknowseverythin* · 07-03-2008, 09:15 AM

While on vacation a married couple walked into a shoe store. The salesman said to them, 'I have some very special Jamaican sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, Yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and
Grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, 'Y ou go t dem on the Wrong feet! Mon! You Got dem on the wrong feet!'

*mywifeknowseverythin* · 07-03-2008, 09:16 AM

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.
The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

__________________________________________________ ______________________

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
__________________________________________________ ______________________

'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
__________________________________________________ _____________________

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
__________________________________________________ _____________________

OLD FRIENDS:

Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
__________________________________________________ _____________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
__________________________________________________ _____________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

*mywifeknowseverythin* · 07-03-2008, 09:16 AM

*mywifeknowseverythin* · 07-03-2008, 09:18 AM

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a
window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After
takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and
get a coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it
for you'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and
spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks
good, I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the
other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened.

'Why does it have to be this way?' he asked. 'How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

THE FEW.

THE PROUD.

THE MARINES