Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
vehicle...
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,
only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under
the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
put her hand UP his shorts,
and tucked everything back into place.
She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd.
She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who
had been standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead!
__________________ If you have more than 3 Wheels...Your Driving a Golf Cart
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It
has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together
What a way to start the day!
There I was on my way to Wal-Mart...
getting into a fight was the farthest thing
from my mind ... wasn't even on the horizon ...
I was in a great mood ... and then ... I
rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and
slowly the driver gets out of the car ... and
you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and
life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... he
was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me
and says,
"I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and said, "Well,
which one are you then?"
............. and that's when the fight started .
__________________ If you have more than 3 Wheels...Your Driving a Golf Cart
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It
has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
-How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
-Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
-Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
-Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
-What disease did cured ham actually have?
-How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
-Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
-If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
-Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
-Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
-Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
-Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
-Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
-If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
-Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
-If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
-If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
-If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
-Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
-Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
-Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
-Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
__________________ If you have more than 3 Wheels...Your Driving a Golf Cart
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It
has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together
# 1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are
a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys
and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics,
and doing the Oprah diet... Nancy-pants.
# 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaminghomo. A cat is like a
dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches
itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and
whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog...
'Killer, come here! I said get your ass overhere, Killer!' Now
think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!'
Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so queer.
# 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs
feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and
undeniably a fag.
# 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
# 5. If you drink coffee from a straw or anything other than regular
coffee, you're as queer as a $3 bill. A straight man will never be
heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte
to your lips, you've had a man there, too.
# 6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might
as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have
memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can
pick out chartreuse or you know what a'fressier' is, you're gay. And
if you can name ANY type of textile otherthan cotton or denim, you
are faggadocious.
# 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're
dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the
wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest
of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a
hamburger, or hold his beer.
# 8. If you would not send this info to all the guys on your email list
because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are
definitely on the verge on being afudgepacker.
#9 IF ANY OF THIS OFFENDS YOU........ YOURE A FAG
__________________ If you have more than 3 Wheels...Your Driving a Golf Cart
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It
has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together
1. Do not walk behind me, for I
may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not
walk beside me either. Just pretty
much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a broken fan belt or a
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn , so
if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the
time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't
be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're
unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water
with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you 're
alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you
should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed......
skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat
for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't
have to remember anything.
12. Some days you're the bug, some
days you're the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you
get to know them.
14. The quickest way to double your
money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It
has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
17. There are two theories to arguing
with a woman - Neither one
works.
18. Generally speaking, you aren't
learning much when your lips are
moving.
19. Experience is something you don't
get until just after you need it.
20. Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
__________________ If you have more than 3 Wheels...Your Driving a Golf Cart
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It
has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together
One says, “Did your hear the news? Our Friend is dead!”
“My God, what happened to him?” “Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom, he hit the pavement, the the car flipped up and he flew through the sunroof. Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“Gosh, what a horrible way to die!” “No, no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So he landed in my upstairs bedroom and he was all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spotted the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and he reached up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He was just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe came crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“Damn it, what a way to go, that’s terrible!” “No, no, that didn’t kill him. He survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off himself and he crawled out onto the landing where he tried to pull himself up on the banister but, under his weight, the banister broke and he went falling down to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken spindles fell on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Hell, now that is the most unfortunate way to go!” “No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he was on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawled into the kitchen, tried to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water. Whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off.”
“Man, what a way to go!” “No, no, he survived that, he survived that! He was lying on the floor, covered in boiling water and he spotted the phone and tried to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabbed the light switch and pulled the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted with a wallop — 10,000 volts shot through him.” “Now that is one awful way to go!” “No, no, he survived that, he…”
“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”
“I shot him!”
“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”
“Damnit man, he was wrecking my house!”
__________________ If you have more than 3 Wheels...Your Driving a Golf Cart
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It
has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together
Me and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy S#@$! That must be my husband!'
I quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked I jumped out the window like a crazy man. I smashed myself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as I could to my truck.
A few minutes later I returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman 'I AM your husband, you slut!'
Wife yelled back, 'Yeah??? Then why were you running....you Son of a Bitch !!!'
And that folks............is how the fight started.
__________________ If you have more than 3 Wheels...Your Driving a Golf Cart
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It
has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?
__________________ If you have more than 3 Wheels...Your Driving a Golf Cart
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It
has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together
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Re: A little Adult Humor 
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