A little Adult Humor

*mywifeknowseverythin* · 09-06-2008, 10:20 AM

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and
enlarges what is given to her.So, if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of
shit!

Amen to that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*mywifeknowseverythin* · 09-06-2008, 10:22 AM

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What

the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear

bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

joet82 · 09-09-2008, 08:36 PM

Top Quotes From the 2008 Olympics
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

*Stoopidbot1* · 09-09-2008, 09:55 PM

Some of those were pretty funny.

*mywifeknowseverythin* · 09-13-2008, 12:13 PM

*mywifeknowseverythin* · 09-13-2008, 12:16 PM

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One
wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her
horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she
replied.
He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out
the
window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he
had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he
Started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to
blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners
who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully
free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'

Oh , yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do
you
always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope ... Just when it's raining

*mywifeknowseverythin* · 09-13-2008, 07:47 PM

Golf Panties

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough house keeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake
of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency,
here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o
decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit.

*mywifeknowseverythin* · 09-28-2008, 11:03 AM

Tired nurse

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque, She pulls

A rectal thermometer out of

Her purse And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....

Some asshole's got my pen!'

*mywifeknowseverythin* · 09-28-2008, 11:06 AM

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it.

After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a year went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie.

*Stoopidbot1* · 10-19-2008, 09:47 PM

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In
her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes
through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his 50's? 60's, 70's, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.'