A little Adult Humor » Page 8 » QUADCRAZY ATV Community Forum

HvPhotog · 03-30-2008, 11:26 AM

Chemical Analysis Of Women

Element: woman

Symbol: Wo

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Weight: accepted as 53 but is known to vary from approx 45 - 130 kilo's.

Occurrence: surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:
1) surface usually covered in painted film
2) boils at nothing, freezes without reason
3) melts if given proper treatment
4) bitter if used incorrectly
5) found in various states, ranging from virgin metal, to common 'ore

Chemical Properties:
1) possess great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones
2) able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances
3) may explode spontaneously if left alone with a male
4) insoluable in liquids but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol
5) yields to pressure applied to correct points

Uses:
1) highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2) most powerful money-reducing agent known
3) can be a great aid to relaxation

Tests:
1) pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in natural state
2) turns green if placed beside a better specimen

Caution:
1) highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2) illegal to posses more than one except in certain areas

HvPhotog · 03-30-2008, 11:27 AM

CUSTOMER SERVICE

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account". To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

wheeler0801 · 03-30-2008, 12:39 PM

wow. someone else in this forum.....I'm making progress :) :) :)

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

HvPhotog · 03-31-2008, 08:54 AM

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if
our
CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides
with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on,
we're
calling it our "Holiday Party".

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. One table
that
reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to
handle this? Somebody?

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex
during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
a
luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the
end of
the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package
everything
for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've
arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms.

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do,
a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the
burning of
sage by our "earth-based goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try
to
accommodate the men's shamanic drumming circle during the band's
breaks.
Okay???

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
up
like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
It's a
tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over
the
Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we
lighten
up?

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you
can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including
hydroponic
tomatoes ... but you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream
when
you slice them...I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right
now...!

FROM; Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery
from
her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at
the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the
Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full
pay.
Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas.

HvPhotog · 03-31-2008, 09:17 AM

Standardized Guide to the Bases

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

-- First Base-- This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew
thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and
sometimes not.

--Second Base-- Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.

--Third Base-- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
partner.

--Home Run-- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the
times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex
drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the
equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we
have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without
further ado...

Standardized Guide to the Bases!

--On Deck-- Having plans for a date

--Strike-Out-- Duh!!

--Walk-- Kissing

--Bunt-- Masturbation

--Single-- Tongue kissing

--Double-- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and
feels

--Triple-- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation

--Inside the park home run-- Oral Sex

--Home Run-- SEX!

--Ground Rule Double-- would have sex, but no condom

--Error-- Condom breaks during sex

--Banned for life for gambling-- sex without condom

--Hall of Fame-- Marriage

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better
Explain all the things that can happen now a days.

--Balk-- Premature ejaculation
--Pine Tar-- KY jelly
--Relief pitcher-- Vibrator
--Rain Delay-- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
--Box Seats-- Waterbed
--Seventh Inning Stretch-- Unusual positions
--Rookie-- Virgin
--Minor Leagues-- Under 18
--Loaded Bases-- manage a trois
--Grand Slam-- Sex four times in twelve hours
--Foul tip-- VD
--Three up and three down-- impotency

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion
with current clarity.

OLD WAY- "We, um, got to third base I guess and then we, um, got like
Past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.

NEW WAY- First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home
run, and I started thinking, it's hall of fame time.

NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I
Balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.

Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the confusion
And helps you out... LET's.... Play Ball !!!!!

Now the quiz What is a free agent?

HvPhotog · 03-31-2008, 09:24 AM

Oil Change

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face
and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under! car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer. !
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower
gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining ! case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

Crusty72 · 03-31-2008, 09:37 AM

Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The Woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies 'No, what do you mean?' She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man, now with a contented smile on his face, continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the Sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
'Did you call for me?' Says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the n ewcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you
can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 50 times a day. I'm outta here!!

wheeler0801 · 03-31-2008, 02:12 PM

yey, more posters in here

GOLFING RELIEF:
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

wheeler0801 · 04-01-2008, 11:18 AM

> >A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog
> > for a walk
> >> around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is
> > in heat.'
> >>
> >> 'What's that mean?' asked the child.
> >>
> >> 'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
> >>
> >> The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad,
> > may I take Belle
> >> for a walk around the blo c k? I asked Mom, but she
> > said the dog was
> >> in heat, and to come to you.'
> >>
> >> Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag,
> > soaked it with
> >> gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to
> > disguise the
> >> scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle
> > on the leash and
> >> only go one time round the block..'
> >>
> >> The little girl left and returned a few minutes
> > later with no dog on
> >> the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
> >>
> >> ( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
> >>
> >> The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about
> > halfway down the
> >> block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

DrtyGrlKristin · 04-03-2008, 02:16 PM

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house for some excitement. When they arrived, the madam checked them out from head to toe. Then she decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they headed for home and started sharing about their encounters.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was your girl?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch".

The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out the window!"