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> > BEWARE OF THE ELECTRIC FENCE > >> > >> > >> > >> Thought y'all should read this in case you're > >> thinking of installing an electric fence! > >> > >> We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few > >> months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically > >> in the entire city. > >> > >> To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric > >> fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. > >> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply > >> had, made for 26 miles of fence. > >> > >> I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into > >> the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you > >> have in the ground, the better the fence works. > >> > >> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart > >> 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying > >> out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the > >> charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down > >> to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I > >> hadn't > >> remembered to unplug it after all. > >> > >> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running > >> lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in > >> the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size > >> of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow > >> on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I > >> notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my > >> body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the > >> lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. > >> Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could > >> feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the > >> engine. > >> > >> It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower > >> were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. > >> > >> Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at the same > >> time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at > >> once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than > >> half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, > >> where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back > >> and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It > >> seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it > >> was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big > >> block Chevy turning 8 grand. > >> > >> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) > >> into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped > >> around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up > >> on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad > >> always had those POS chargers made by International or > >> whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This > >> I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now > >> accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex > >> river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm > >> going to have to just man up and take it, until the > >> lawnmower runs out of gas. > >> > >> 'darn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the > >> tank! > >> > >> Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has > >> settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of > >> big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, ######z, > >> and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please > >> die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the > >> rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big > >> bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from > >> its owner's right foot. > >> > >> So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% > >> humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill > >> me. God did not take me that day... he left me there > >> covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own > >> stupidity had created... > >> > >> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... > >> I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower > >> was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and > >> I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where > >> I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot > >> were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still > >> holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in > >> the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. > >> Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a > >> few things. > >> > >> 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. > >> > >> 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right > >> butt cheek (not the left, just the right). > >> > >> 3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not > >> smell as bad as you might think. > >> > >> 4- My left eye will not open. > >> > >> 5- My right eye will not close. > >> > >> 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I > >> think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or > >> something, because it was better than new after that. > >> > >> 7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are > >> almost a foot long > >> > >> 8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while > >> thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?) > >> > >> That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for > >> things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I > >> always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged > >> before I mow. > >> > >> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over > >> the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system > >> will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling > >> all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I > >> mow.