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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After about six months of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and a huge, bearded man was standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night...thought you might like to come. About 5:00." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here, I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars left, he stopped. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em!" Again, the big man started to leave and stopped. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too..." "Well, I get along with most people; I'll be fine. Thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too!" "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us." That is funny no matter who you are!!!!
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband That they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was Too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of Her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that The doctor felt was suitable would have to come from Her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they Would tell no one about where the Skin came from,and They requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After The surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at The man's new face. He looked more handsome than he Ever had before! All his friends and relatives just Went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome With emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just Want to thank you for everything you did for me. How Can I possibly repay you?' My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need Every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.' The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?' 'No,' the cook said.. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon. 'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie? (I LOVE THIS ONE..........) She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up! FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!(#1 of top 10 posters from old SWR Site)
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, by stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. Next morning a guard escorted her back to the booking desk, where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal belongings. He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; Naturally, I had to assume that you had stolen the car."