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Sc0tt

A few jokes for Friday. TGIF

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An overweight guy walks into a health clinic famous for being very effective in reaching your dieting goals. So he joins a 'guaranteed' program, and he is told to come to room #1 the next day.

First day, he walks through the door of room #1, and there she is, Miss Venezuela wearing nothing but a thong. And she tells him, "if you can catch me, I'm yours!". So he runs as hard as he can for 20 minutes and collapses without success. He keeps doing that for a few days until he finally catches her and has incredible sex with her.

Then he is told to move on to room #2. By now he has lost 15 pounds. Inside room #2 he finds Miss Switzerland. "if you can catch me, I'm yours!". After a few days Miss Switzerland is his.

The process goes on and After 45 pounds he is told he is ready to graduate. Room #5. He is fit. He is excited. He opens the door and he finds, Mr. Nigeria. Big, musculous and 'gifted'. "If I catch you, you are mine!".

Run Forest! Ruuuuuuun

Three guys die in a fire and go to hell. One is Canadian, one Cuban, and one Mexican.

The devil shows up, and tells them, "I'm going to give you the choice of any shield, then I'm going to whip you with my tail 3 times, If you are still standing after that, you can go to heaven"

So the Canadian goes first, he wants a titanium shield reinforced with a layer of stainless steel and fire retardant. He grabs the shield. The devil comes up, whips him once and the Canadian is thrown 10 feet and falls down.

"To Hell !! " says the devil.

The Cuban goes next. He wants no shield. "No Shield??" says the devil. No shield. So the devil comes up and whips him once, shhhaaaaazzz !!!. Nothing. Twice, shaaaazzzz. Nothing. Then the devil takes a few steps back, splits his tail into two, and double whips him. shaaaazzz shaaaazzz. Nothing. The cuban is in pain, but still standing. The devil says "Damn you man, I'm impressed, I guess you can go to heaven.

Then he turns to the Mexican and asks "What will you shield be ??"

"The Cuban !!!"

A golf pro caught up with a threesome and asked if he could join them for the rest of the round. The guys agreed under one condition: that he would let them know what they were doing wrong. He agreed.

The first golfer told the pro that he had a bad slice. The pro told him to hit and he would analyze his swing. He proceeded to hit a major slice. He turned to the pro for advice and the pro informed him it was his LOFT.

The second golfer informed the pro that he had the opposite problem; a bad hook. He got on the tee and proceeded to hit this ugly duck hook. Looking to the pro for advise, he got the same advice as his friend. "It's your LOFT."

The third golfer, who was a big, burly guy, said that he really struggled with this part of the game. He took a big, aggressive swing and almost missed the ball. He topped it and it rolled about 100 yards down the middle. Looking to the pro for advice, he was told, it too, was his LOFT.

Finally, the first golfer turned to the pro: "What the hell's going on. I sliced the ball. He hooked it. And he topped it...And you said it was our LOFT, how can that be?"

The pro looked at the golfers and said, "LOFT stands for Lack Of F***ing Talent!"

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