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Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog

chow at Wal-Mart, for

my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was

about to check out when a

woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told

her that no, I didn't have

a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet

again, although I probably

shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last

time. On the bright side

though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an

intensive care ward with

tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs

in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet

and that the way that it

works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets

and simply eat one or two

every time you feel hungry and that the food is

nutritionally complete so

I was going to try it again. (I have to mention

here that practically everyone in

the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive

care because the dog food

had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in

the middle of the

parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a

heart attack, he was

laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

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