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> >>

> >>

> >>

> >> Thought y'all should read this in case you're

> >> thinking of installing an electric fence!

> >>

> >> We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few

> >> months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically

> >> in the entire city.

> >>

> >> To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric

> >> fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

> >> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply

> >> had, made for 26 miles of fence.

> >>

> >> I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into

> >> the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you

> >> have in the ground, the better the fence works.

> >>

> >> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart

> >> 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying

> >> out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the

> >> charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down

> >> to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I

> >> hadn't

> >> remembered to unplug it after all.

> >>

> >> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running

> >> lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in

> >> the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size

> >> of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow

> >> on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I

> >> notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my

> >> body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the

> >> lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain..

> >> Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could

> >> feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the

> >> engine.

> >>

> >> It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower

> >> were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

> >>

> >> Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at the same

> >> time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at

> >> once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than

> >> half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement,

> >> where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back

> >> and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It

> >> seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it

> >> was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big

> >> block Chevy turning 8 grand.

> >>

> >> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds)

> >> into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped

> >> around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up

> >> on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad

> >> always had those POS chargers made by International or

> >> whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This

> >> I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now

> >> accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex

> >> river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm

> >> going to have to just man up and take it, until the

> >> lawnmower runs out of gas.

> >>

> >> 'darn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the

> >> tank!

> >>

> >> Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has

> >> settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of

> >> big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, ######z,

> >> and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please

> >> die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the

> >> rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big

> >> bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from

> >> its owner's right foot.

> >>

> >> So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%

> >> humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill

> >> me. God did not take me that day... he left me there

> >> covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own

> >> stupidity had created...

> >>

> >> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire....

> >> I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower

> >> was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and

> >> I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where

> >> I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot

> >> were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still

> >> holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in

> >> the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

> >> Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a

> >> few things.

> >>

> >> 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

> >>

> >> 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right

> >> butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

> >>

> >> 3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not

> >> smell as bad as you might think.

> >>

> >> 4- My left eye will not open.

> >>

> >> 5- My right eye will not close.

> >>

> >> 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I

> >> think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or

> >> something, because it was better than new after that.

> >>

> >> 7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are

> >> almost a foot long

> >>

> >> 8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while

> >> thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)

> >>

> >> That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for

> >> things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I

> >> always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged

> >> before I mow.

> >>

> >> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over

> >> the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system

> >> will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling

> >> all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I

> >> mow.

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That is freaking funny. Not funny it happened,but funny the way you explained it. I am laughing so hard my contacts are swimming out of my eyes.

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